We speak about it
Leaps of faith
Betrayal
& everything in between.
Jumping to this island
A practice in trusting love I’d found last summer
Along with myself
We could create a life worth living.
Trust is something I long for
& wonder if I’ve ever really known
How to fully embrace myself or anyone
With full belief that what we say and what we do
Align.
When I was tiny, I learned that blood didn’t guarantee
That I’d be kept safe.
I bristle when people assume being the youngest of four
The only girl
That I was deeply protected.
I learned early that people lie
That they’ll take without asking.
I learned that I would cover their sins
In hopes of not being abandoned myself.
That planted a seed in me that I’m a liar
& I still carrying the weight of that belief
I concealed, alone, for decades.
As I form new connections, there’s hope.
Followed always by that whisper
When will I see them
Or they see me
& one or both of us run?
I wonder as I peel back the scaffolding
When I might soften
Enough that I can let love in
Without waiting for it to sour.
Before I saw myself & my history
I handed my trust over without hesitation
Now, my fists clench whenever someone asks me
To let them in
I’m looking for the in between
Where I can believe you
Until your actions say otherwise
& I stop telling myself
That I’m blind.
Til then, I can trust in the sea
The way she greets me with open hands
I can lean on hawthorn blooms as they
Tend my heart.
I believe in them, even on days
I don’t in myself.
